We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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