dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition