Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.