im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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