nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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