she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
