Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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