hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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