Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
