He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Randomize
