Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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