I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
