I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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