i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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