my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
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Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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