I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
