and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
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Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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