High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
