considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
