You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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