end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
