my room smells like sperm. sweet.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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