so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
