I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'd cum for enchiladas.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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