if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
