There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
