I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
wanna go halves on a baby?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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