It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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