Hey man sorry I got all grabby
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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