I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
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Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
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I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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