We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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