Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
