I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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