FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
