i was rollin on her like bob the builder
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
