my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
