I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
