So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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