why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
