Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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