i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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