mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
