I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
