He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
whose parrot is this?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
