if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
