I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just blew my weed a kiss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize