This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
