Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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