Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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