Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
