Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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