I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
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We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
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Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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