My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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