the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
